Why you should raise your kids as pirates and 101 tips on how to do it! Guide to Pirate Parenting by Tim Bete Pirates is the hysterically funny book that parodies popular parenting advice books.

If you're like most parents, you long to raise your children as pirates but just don't know how. In "Guide to Pirate Parenting," Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall provides everything you need to know to turn your little powder monkeys into happy, healthy buccaneers.

In Guide to Pirate Parenting you'll learn: . Ten benefits of raising a pirate . At what age your child should be able to remove a bottle cap by taking out his glass eye and using his eye socket as an opener . Which offense requires administering The Flying Dutchman Wedgie . How to prevent sogging the quartermaster . The best place to maroon your disobedient child . How to remove chewing gum or a giant octopus from your child's hair . The difference between plundering and pillaging . How to convert your minivan into a pirate schooner.

When to smack your teenager in the side of the head with an oar Each information-packed section ends with "Your pirate's progress," a short quiz that shows whether your child is reaching his or her pirate development milestones.

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TABLE OF CONTENTS
PART 1:
Introduction
How I Met Cap’n Billy and Why You Should Raise
Your Children to Be Pirates 1
PART 2:
Cap’n Billy “The Butcher”MacDougall ’s
Guide to Pirate Parenting
Baby Pirates—Mapping Out Your Child’s Future 21
Belly Timber—Feeding Your Pirate 37
Sleeping Like a Seadog and Other Nocturnal Issues 49
Quelling Mutinies—Disciplining Your Pirate 59
Scurvy and Hook Injuries—Pirate Health and Safety 73
Your Pirate’s First Ship—
How to Convert Your Minivan into a Pirate Schooner 87
As Your Pirate Gets Older
(The Teen Years and Beyond) 103

ABOUT THE AUTHORS
Tim Bete (pronounced “beet”) began his nautical adventures as a child sailing on Buzzards Bay off the coast of Massachusetts. At age 10, he longed for a small cannon to put on his grandfather’s 30-foot wooden ketch—a quick, two-masted vessel that is perfect for catching other ships so you can plunder ’em. His parents scuttled the cannon idea, saying he “would terrorize other boats with it.” That’s exactly what he had in mind.

Bete’s parenting advice has been published in dozens of newspapers, magazines and Web sites, including The Christian Science Monitor, Atlanta Parent, Big Apple Parent, Northwest Family, FathersWorld.com and ParentingHumor.com. His fi rst book, In the Beginning…There Were No Diapers, was a 2006 Foreword Best Book of the Year fi nalist.

Bete’s hobbies include pushing his luck and skating on thin ice. In his spare time, he’s director of the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop (www.HumorWriters.org.)

Cap’n Billy “The Butcher” MacDougall (pronounced “MacDougall”) has been hiding from authorities for most of his life. He lives on his ship, The Frightened Flounder, but can sometimes be found at the Crow’s Nest Tavern. His hobbies include plundering and rum.

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